Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
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Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.