JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
Body: I’m exhausted.
Brain: I’M AN EIGHT YEAR OLD ON CRACK!
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I have no use for this *tosses dictionary out of glass square thing which you can see outside through*
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
As you get older, dirty talk turns into “Yeah baby, take that nap. Take all of it honey. You like that couch? Oh yeah, sleep on it…”
Keep your friends close and your asthma inhaler closer.
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
I hate Walmart.
The men’s bathroom doesn’t have any urninals! Just a bunch of women screaming telling me to get out
I love kickboxing and think there should be kick versions of more sports, like kickbowling and kickbadminton
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome