@: Body: I'm exhausted.
Brain: I'M AN EIGHT YEAR OLD ON CRACK!
@cynthiajones11: Granny always said, 'If in doubt, check it out.'
My addition: 'If the answer gets your goat, punch 'em in the throat.'
@: Thought I was meowing back to my cat for the past hour but it turns out it was just me and my dad meowing at each other from different rooms in the house
@dafloydsta: I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
@jeremysmiles: So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I'm nervous I'm secretly a giant spider
@CauseWereGuys: Siri is the only girl that answers my questions without having to ask why..