“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
You Might Also Like
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…