People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
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To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
Florida man
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
BaD BoY!!
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?