[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
BODY: i’m exhausted
BODY: let’s sleep
BRAIN: a dog named Ralph
BRAIN: can almost say his own name
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*gets hit by car*
Friend: HOLY SHIT ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: I need.. My phone.. Please..
Me:YALL WON’T BELIEVE WHAT JUST HAPPENED
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
Just watched a guy cut up his burrito into dozens of little pieces. I wonder how many people he’s murdered.
internet stranger: hey you’re so sexy wanna role play?
me: sure, you be Bruce Willis at the end of Armageddon.
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.