@matt___nelson

BODY: i’m exhausted
BRAIN: neat
BODY: let’s sleep
BRAIN: nah
BODY: c’mon
BRAIN: a dog named Ralph
BODY:
BRAIN: can almost say his own name

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@ankles_so_weak

Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?

Me: my student loans

Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?

@cowyfwame

I just don’t understand why Flo from Progressive needs to have an apron on to sell car insurance.

@lisa_curry

Me: Time to relax and get into bed!

The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?

Me: Yes, obviously.

@HiddleDeeDee

The only thing worse than my kids talking Minecraft, is my kids watching videos of people talking Minecraft.

@just1fool

If you can’t handle me at my worst then you are tolerable of the right amount of bullshit.

@canadasandra

[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!

@HomeProbably

Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.

Now I just hate yours.

@simoncholland

To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.

@AngryRaccoon2

“Don’t make things all about you for once…”

My mother says hi.