[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
BODY: i’m exhausted
BODY: let’s sleep
BRAIN: a dog named Ralph
BRAIN: can almost say his own name
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*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*
Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
My kitten is probably the most playful creature on the planet, but it’s less cute when you realize it’s all just bird murder practice.
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.