BODY: i’m exhausted
BRAIN: neat
BODY: let’s sleep
BRAIN: nah
BODY: c’mon
BRAIN: a dog named Ralph
BRAIN: can almost say his own name

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Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?

Me: my student loans

Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?


I just don’t understand why Flo from Progressive needs to have an apron on to sell car insurance.


Me: Time to relax and get into bed!

The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?

Me: Yes, obviously.


The only thing worse than my kids talking Minecraft, is my kids watching videos of people talking Minecraft.


If you can’t handle me at my worst then you are tolerable of the right amount of bullshit.


[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!


Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.

Now I just hate yours.


To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.


“Don’t make things all about you for once…”

My mother says hi.