My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
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It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither