Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
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applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
All generalizations are stupid.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live