My dirty language got me suspended in school but many years later I get rewarded with stars and retweets, never give up on your dreams kids.
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
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5yo: [crying] I teddy at home! He’ll be sad that I abandoned them!
Me: Want to call him & apologize?
5: You don’t have his phone number.
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
Astrology person: what’s your siiiiggnnnnnn
Me: I think I’m a stegosaurus
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything