Body language can be so subtle that only an intuitive person can read your mood. Body slams, I have found, are far more direct.

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Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.


Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.


After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.


Wife: I lost my day planner.

Me: Not in your briefcase?

W: No. I looked EVERYWHERE.

M: Well it looks like you’ve got a hidden agenda



The good thing about being a chubby chaser is you don’t have to run very fast or very far.


Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.


[At bar]

*all sweaty after doing the worm*

Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?

Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.


showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt


Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.