Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
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The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again