@Arroia

Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.

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@jordan_stratton

I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.

@Parkerlawyer

I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”

@Parker_Simpson

Why do people say,”You can’t make this stuff up.” Nope. Not true at all. You can literally make up anything you want anytime.

@JB4Realz

Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.

They have a budget of $430,000…

@KingRainhead

date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss

@emm_downunder

Man Spits on Oranges: Shopkeeper slaps him into his next attempt at life.

@InternetHippo

ME: Billions of bacteria live on and inside my body
INTERVIEWER: I meant tell me about yourself job-wise

@girl_a_whirl

[during sex]

me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*