Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
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I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
Why do people say,”You can’t make this stuff up.” Nope. Not true at all. You can literally make up anything you want anytime.
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
Man Spits on Oranges: Shopkeeper slaps him into his next attempt at life.
ME: Billions of bacteria live on and inside my body
INTERVIEWER: I meant tell me about yourself job-wise
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*