Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
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me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago