“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
You Might Also Like
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan