For Christmas this year I’m going to pay my bills and look at pictures of Europe and cry.
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“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
“Password is incorrect”
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
Thirty years ago, Marco Rubio was bitten by a radioactive doormat.
Girl: Some1 in my house can’t call 911 they’ll hear me pls help.
Me (after waiting 20 minutes to text back so I don’t seem desperate): hey
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber