Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
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I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine