@SarcasticSadOne

Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.

Brain: you adorable idiot.

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@HomeProbably

When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.

I know that now.

@buhsbaby_baby

“Boys don’t make passes at girls who wear glasses”

-I remind myself as I flirt with the fire extinguisher I’ve mistaken for a cute guy

@squirrel74wkgn

[flashback to 1st date]

*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn

Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”

@Snarfernini

A good education is pretty important, but I think being good looking might be more importanter.

@8bitf0x

*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing

@Smooheed

When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’

@TheToddWilliams

VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!

BOY: Fine

{later}

BOY: Help…Wolf!

WOLF: What’s up?

BOY: I need you to kill the villagers

@divergentmama

[Texting with husband]

Him: I hate when you correct me and make feel like an idiot. Your lucky I love you so much

Me: awwww *you’re

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”

@3sunzzz

H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.

M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same