Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
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as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
*pronounces woah like Noah*
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…