When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
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“Boys don’t make passes at girls who wear glasses”
-I remind myself as I flirt with the fire extinguisher I’ve mistaken for a cute guy
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
A good education is pretty important, but I think being good looking might be more importanter.
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
[Texting with husband]
Him: I hate when you correct me and make feel like an idiot. Your lucky I love you so much
Me: awwww *you’re
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same