Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
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The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
Generation gap…