@Jake_Vig

Bodyguard Idea:

Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.

Bodyguard Idea:

Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.

- @Jake_Vig

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@VerbsRProudest

NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED

@KimBackWrites

Cashier: I don’t like tattoos.
Me: I have a couple.
Cashier: I don’t believe in them.
Me: They exist.

@SoVeryBritish

Responding as if you’ve just been wrongfully accused of murder when someone on the phone asks if you’re still in bed

@ArfMeasures

Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?

Windows Explorer: who knows lol

@Death_Buddy

Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:

1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium

@TheMichaelRock

Mall Santa: what do you want for Christmas?

Me: drugs.

Mall Santa *whispers* meet me in the food court in 20 minutes.

@FeverFlave

[inventing worcestershire ?sauce]

Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.

Perrins: That might work.