Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
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If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
Tony Hawk, age 6
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
Them: You should try keto
Me:
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.