[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
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[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime