[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
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[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
the only organized thing in my life is crime
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”