@AndrewsNotFunny

[boiling pot]

Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off

You Might Also Like

@junejuly12

To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.

@iinkedZombie

Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.

Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.

@FirstGentleman

As I’m walking in the house the kids outside ask if it’s somebody’s birthday because I have balloons in my hand. I say “No, I just wanted balloons” and the little girl says ” you can do that?!”

@bobby

time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.

repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.

@kivtur

*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?

Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.

@GinRumMe

Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.

@OwensDamien

I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.

@TheBoydP

TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…

@SteveSuckington

I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.