[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
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[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
This is so me 😂😂
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.