“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
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Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
set yourself free xox
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”