I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
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*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
Map: I have a boyfriend
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
1. Find homeless man.
2. Bathe him.
3. Wash & patch up his clothes.
4. Give him a record player.
5. Congratulations, you own a hipster.
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.