Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
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I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
buying dead houseplants to save time
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]