@AndyAsAdjective

*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*

“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”

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@asimplesean

It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter

@david8hughes

Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look

@mommajessiec

I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.

@Playing_Dad

[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?

@dieworkwear

I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?

@MatCro

Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.

@ClichedOut

Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.

Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.

@3sunzzz

Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.

@Bob_Janke

I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away

@FunnyBison

If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.

The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”