NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
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The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
I wish people were more like dogs and you could just give them those three little pats and they’d know our interaction was over.
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
If you don’t know the difference between a spree killer, a mass murderer, and a serial killer, we can’t be friends.
“Science HAS gone too far,” I whisper, gazing out across the sea of boneless chickens slithering through the farmyard.
The Colonel laughs.
Why are things sent by car called shipments, and things sent by ships called cargo?