*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*


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It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter


Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look


I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.


[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?


I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?


Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.


Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.

Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.


Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.


I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away


If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.

The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”