*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*


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NEMESIS: i hate you

ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend

NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?

ME: i’ll ask my mom


The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999


My toddler stole bacon off my plate.

We all had a good laugh.

Then I made her move out.


I wish people were more like dogs and you could just give them those three little pats and they’d know our interaction was over.


SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*

NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!

SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there


I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.


amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”


If you don’t know the difference between a spree killer, a mass murderer, and a serial killer, we can’t be friends.


“Science HAS gone too far,” I whisper, gazing out across the sea of boneless chickens slithering through the farmyard.
The Colonel laughs.


Why are things sent by car called shipments, and things sent by ships called cargo?