Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
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My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.