@Reverend_Scott

Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device

Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?

Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN

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@TheEllenShow

Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.

@mommajessiec

A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.

@Tmoney68

I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.

@realHamOnWry

My nephew asked, “What’s the secret to a long life?” I said, “Never order vegetarian in Texas”

@1seat_theater

Finally watched an episode of America’s Got Talent and I disagree.

@ThugRaccoons

Friend: She really likes you.

Me: Oh yeah?

Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.

Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.

@tarashoe

if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger

@MatCro

[emergency]

[super hero appears]

GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!

HERO: I…I don’t know

@Kendragarden

Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.