Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
You Might Also Like
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
My nephew asked, “What’s the secret to a long life?” I said, “Never order vegetarian in Texas”
Finally watched an episode of America’s Got Talent and I disagree.
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.