Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
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Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.