*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*

Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]

*3 minute unskippable ad plays*

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*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*

I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross


[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.


“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”


People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old


A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.


Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –


With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster


cop: there he is! get him!

‘you’ll never catch me! i’m translucent-man!’
*goes translucent*

cop: we can still kinda see you