I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds.
People get out of the way much faster now.
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
*an ad plays*
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Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
waiter: and for you madam
her: I’ll have the tenderloin, rare
waiter: excellent choice, and for you sir
me [trying to impress]: I’ll have the chicken, alive
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
Isn’t it ironic that crocodiles like water and people who wear Crocs are douchbags. Ok, maybe I don’t know what ironic means.
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers