@OtherDanOBrien

[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*

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@ThatEggChick

I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds.

People get out of the way much faster now.

@junejuly12

Feeling sad? Donuts.

Feeling blah? Donuts.

Feeling upset? Donuts.

Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.

@atDevin

I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me

@CaucasianJames

the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts

@LurkAtHomeMom

My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”

@lincnotfound

[first date]

waiter: and for you madam

her: I’ll have the tenderloin, rare

waiter: excellent choice, and for you sir

me [trying to impress]: I’ll have the chicken, alive

@Eric_Bader

Isn’t it ironic that crocodiles like water and people who wear Crocs are douchbags. Ok, maybe I don’t know what ironic means.

@TheNYAMProject

Me: I want a snack.

Husband: You could have veggies.

Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.

@ObscureGent

I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers