Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
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Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
Does it…does it take 3 days
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.