@deeprocktees

Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues

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@Pork_Chop_Hair

(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.

@LilyRoseLynn

If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.

@trims_the_fat

Funny how people get all angry when you break something of their’s that they don’t ever use. Like turn signals with a baseball bat.

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?

2-year-old: An eagle!

I’m going to save so much money on college.

@Tmoney68

[Cannibal Restaurant]

Waiter: Need anything else?

Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?

@POTerritory

I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”

@markhoppus

trying to convince my mom that when someone texts her a joke, if it’s REALLY funny, convention is to reply with three eggplant emojis.

@ashmensch

I thought I was losing weight but apparently I just forgot to tie my sweatpants.

@insipidmoron

Fitness level: Just used a yoga DVD as a coaster for my beer.

Namaste.