Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues

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Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.


If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.


Funny how people get all angry when you break something of their’s that they don’t ever use. Like turn signals with a baseball bat.


Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?

2-year-old: An eagle!

I’m going to save so much money on college.


[Cannibal Restaurant]

Waiter: Need anything else?

Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?


I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”


trying to convince my mom that when someone texts her a joke, if it’s REALLY funny, convention is to reply with three eggplant emojis.


I thought I was losing weight but apparently I just forgot to tie my sweatpants.


Fitness level: Just used a yoga DVD as a coaster for my beer.