I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
You Might Also Like
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
I bet birds love this building.