@LionJenkins

Bond.

Bail Bond.

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@LoriLuvsShoes

My 21yr old son: “Mom sometimes I think you only had me for the free, lifetime tech support”

*slow wink*

@MelvinofYork

I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing

@bridger_w

If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio

@msalicenutting

ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.

STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.

@GorillaNipples1

[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]

ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.

@treydayway

I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween

@david8hughes

Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone

@ifuseekamynow

7: mommy can I play on your computer?
Me: later
7: what do you mean by later?
Me: I’m hoping you forget.

@iinkedZombie

[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee

@Brampersandon_

INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course