I just tried to pet my cat and it turns out that pile of black was my T-shirt, so yeah if you’re supposed to wear glasses while driving I think it’s a good idea.
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Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives. nnThe police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
Give me your water, Human!
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”
Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
Man: hey you.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks away
M: ugh. i hate my name.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.