Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
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Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
Still my favorite headline of all time:
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess