I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
You Might Also Like
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
#gardening
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.