Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
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Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
They must have gotten it to go.
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird