@thisisames

Bong Joon-ho did 100% what any of us would do if we won more than one Oscar: he made them make out

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@Sassafrantz

If I’m ever reincarnated I hope I get to be a bear because I’ll be like “stop playing dead, I used to be human. That shits not gonna work!”

@justabloodygame

[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”

@ThugRaccoons

Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!

Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?

@EJGomez

james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on

@skeletonpup

CDC: you should wear masks

everyone: where do we get masks

CDC: idk. just need you to wear them

@DrDogMD

PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough

DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol

@BigBagOfScum

the restraining order doesn’t mean we can’t hang, it just means I can’t be within 50′. We could still play catch or frisbee or something…

@KeetPotato

me: “leave the door ajar on your way out”
jam salesman: [visibly confused]

@bridger_w

If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works

@CornOnTheGoblin

genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no