@thisisames

Bong Joon-ho did 100% what any of us would do if we won more than one Oscar: he made them make out

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@HeyJennyLeone

Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.

@aligarchy

recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left

@KingRainhead

Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books

@Michael_Erhart

There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*

@daemonic3

“I literally can’t even!”

— White girl hanging a picture

@UncleDuke1969

[sets up grandfather’s first computer]

ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.

[phone rings one hour later]

ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.