Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
Bonnie said I should join the Facebook like she did. Said its good way to get in touch with friends. Lord, at my age I’d need a ouija board
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“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
GRANDMA WHERE IS YOUR COOKIE RECIPE
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
“Your breathing holes are very nicely shaped”
Flirting is so easy
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
4YO: “So Santa comes down the chimney, into our house, while we’re all sleeping?”
4YO: “And we’re all just okay with that?”