[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
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Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
Can’t. Being lazy.
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend