“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
Bonnie said I should join the Facebook like she did. Said its good way to get in touch with friends. Lord, at my age I’d need a ouija board
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I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
Did you hear about the two guys who stole a calendar?
They each got six months
“I won’t vaccinate my kids! It’s not healthy and full of dangerous preservatives!!!”
*gives kid a pop tart for breakfast*
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
“Just saw this! I’d love to go to dinner!”
Him: That was 3 years ago, I have a wife & kid now.
“Bring ’em! Sister Wives is my jam!”
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed