@MommaWordsIt

Bonnie said I should join the Facebook like she did. Said its good way to get in touch with friends. Lord, at my age I’d need a ouija board

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@phranqueigh

“You’re not like the other girls.”

“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”

@SondraDeeMe

I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.

@JohnLyonTweets

Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.

@jellybnbonanza

My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.

@dadtellsjokes

Did you hear about the two guys who stole a calendar?

They each got six months

@RealChrisChirdo

“I won’t vaccinate my kids! It’s not healthy and full of dangerous preservatives!!!”

*gives kid a pop tart for breakfast*

@kimtopher22

I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.

@CatJacquesESPN

My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room

@Sassafrantz

[text]
“Just saw this! I’d love to go to dinner!”
Him: That was 3 years ago, I have a wife & kid now.
“Bring ’em! Sister Wives is my jam!”

@boxofhamsters

my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed