@pattonoswalt

“Boo!” — cow with a cold

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@ericsshadow

[first date]

HIM: Can I call you sometime?

HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone

@TheAndrewNadeau

[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.

[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.

@piddle_fart

My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.

@panmidwest

GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you

ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!

GOD: what

ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard

@hazelmotes1

“They are more afraid of you than you are of them.”

-people who know even less about me than they do about bears

@MartinMurtagh

Laying in bed with the wife last night, she asked “what would you like to do most to my body?””identify it” probably wasnt the right answer

@FredTaming

dentist: have you been flossing?

me: yes 🙂

dentist: your mouth?

me: no 🙁

@E_lok44

Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.