HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
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SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
“They are more afraid of you than you are of them.”
-people who know even less about me than they do about bears
Laying in bed with the wife last night, she asked “what would you like to do most to my body?””identify it” probably wasnt the right answer
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.