things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
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I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
How dramatic are you?
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.