Book Of Tim, 3:13. Behold, the lord said unto them, leave not your nachos unattended for quickly they become the spoils of thieving women.

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The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.


My 5th grade teacher said my life would never be worth anything but my wife paid a homeless man $3 to kill me so suck it Mrs. Jacobsen


maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do


I slept on the sofa last night which is weird because I’m not even married.


Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.

Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”




me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am

girl: i asked for water

me: patience, Linda


Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*


I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.