@UrbanDouchebag

Book Of Tim, 3:13. Behold, the lord said unto them, leave not your nachos unattended for quickly they become the spoils of thieving women.

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@Reverend_Scott

The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.

@zachreinert03

My 5th grade teacher said my life would never be worth anything but my wife paid a homeless man $3 to kill me so suck it Mrs. Jacobsen

@jonnysun

maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do

@BangGanged

I slept on the sofa last night which is weird because I’m not even married.

@gengen874

Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.

Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”

@

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@clichedout

me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am

girl: i asked for water

me: patience, Linda

@Abusitron

Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*

@FrankConniff

I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.