Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
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Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.