[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
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INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping