@NickGarnettBBC

Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.

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@merican_ninjy

I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.

On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.

@dave_cactus

EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.

@supermarkusa

9 months from now the next generation will arrive.They’ll be known as “the Coronials”

@WhaJoTalkinBout

[taking out trash]
Me: Hey, I’m Jo. I live over there
Neighbor: Yes, you say that every week.
M: I’m sorry, I’m high af
N: You say that, too

@DitzMcGeee

when i was a little girl, grocery carts were free range; you’d see them all over town, in ditches, ponds; free.

now, they’re locked in chain gangs, selling themselves for quarters. sad.

@kimtopher22

A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.

@david8hughes

“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”

@OctopusCaveman

When you have children, sometimes you see a glimmer of your personality shine in them, and in that moment you know why your mom drank.

@deathoftheparty

you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is

@mc_funbags

People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.