I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
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EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
9 months from now the next generation will arrive.They’ll be known as “the Coronials”
[taking out trash]
Me: Hey, I’m Jo. I live over there
Neighbor: Yes, you say that every week.
M: I’m sorry, I’m high af
N: You say that, too
when i was a little girl, grocery carts were free range; you’d see them all over town, in ditches, ponds; free.
now, they’re locked in chain gangs, selling themselves for quarters. sad.
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
When you have children, sometimes you see a glimmer of your personality shine in them, and in that moment you know why your mom drank.
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.