Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
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When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
I found your tweet-up…
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?