2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
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“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
These work great until they don’t.
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
is this meant to deter me
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets