Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
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Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
christening a ship with an overripe banana
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?