Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
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Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
New favorite tiktok
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
#parenting
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
you stereotypes are all alike
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule