Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
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My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
This cat wants you to take your pills
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls