Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
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I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
Rich people don’t understand cereal
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”