It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
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Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
britain’s three elite institutions
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!