[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
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me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
Good point.
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!