@LRenceFivvens

[BOOPS nose]

COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.

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@SardonicTart

[Job Interview]

How would you describe your time management skills?

Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.

@thelateinnings

i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks

@DothTheDoth

If you’re walking by an abandoned bookstore & the front door opens for no reason, go into that bookstore.

@PanicRestroom

I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”

@ReginaldDennys

Based on the number of nurses on twitter, I now know why I’m bleeding to death in the ER.

@shatterpants

When a waitress asks me if I want soup or salad, I always ask “who’s in charge of tossing the salads here?” Then I frown & order the soup.

@medievalfun

Jesus:”table for 26 please”

Waiter: “but there are 13 of you”

J: “yes but we’re all going to sit on the same side”

@Jake_Vig

ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?

ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.

@Midgetspar

Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.

@Home_Halfway

*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*