How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
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i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
If you’re walking by an abandoned bookstore & the front door opens for no reason, go into that bookstore.
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
Based on the number of nurses on twitter, I now know why I’m bleeding to death in the ER.
When a waitress asks me if I want soup or salad, I always ask “who’s in charge of tossing the salads here?” Then I frown & order the soup.
Jesus:”table for 26 please”
Waiter: “but there are 13 of you”
J: “yes but we’re all going to sit on the same side”
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*