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@Angibangie

-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.

McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…

@Jeffwni

Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though

@krisv_723

You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.

@ClichedOut

GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes

ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can

GENIE: son of a

@plantandmineral

today a 6 yr old girl asked me if butterflies are flowers that escaped & i was like yo what is yr twitter handle

@Los01001111

*goes to Australia
*sees hot girl
*asks if she wants to be my first mate
*winks forever
*gets punched down under

@Fred_Delicious

wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*

@ThaJawn

Me: *trying to be cool* Scotch

Bartender: Preference?

Me: *nervously* hop

Bartender: Bout time! *breaks out sidewalk chalk*