Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
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Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
Social Media and Real life
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.